Before Yom Tov: have the conversation

Erev Sukkos is busy. While you’re hanging decorations together or getting the sukkah ready, take a few minutes with each child. Rabbi Avi Landa recommends keeping the conversation short, one on one, and suited to their age.

Be clear about touch: “No one should touch you on or near your private parts. That includes anywhere your underwear or bathing suit covers.” Then make sure they know they can come to you about anything that feels uncomfortable or confusing, even if they aren’t sure why. “You are never in trouble for telling me.”

Name people they know, too. Rabbi Yakov Horowitz reminds parents that this applies to everyone: friends, cousins, older kids, guests at our table, relatives, and people we respect. A child needs to know that the same boundaries apply with someone familiar.

Our kids learn the importance of shmiras halashon. They also need to hear from us that telling a parent when someone touches them or makes them uncomfortable is l’to’eles. As Rabbi Landa puts it: “It’s not snitching, it’s saving.”

When the kids start coming and going

At a long Yom Tov seudah, the kids are often finished eating well before the adults. They’re in and out of the sukkah, running next door with cousins, following friends to another sukkah, or playing wherever the other kids have landed. That’s exactly when it gets easy to assume somebody else knows where they are.

Set the expectation for the house ahead of time: “In our home, doors stay open.” That goes for bedrooms and side rooms, with guests and family alike. When everyone knows what to expect, it’s easier for adults to follow through and for kids to know what’s okay.

In the sukkah at night

For a lot of kids, sleeping in the sukkah is the highlight of Sukkos. Before Yom Tov, know which children are sleeping there and which adult will be with them.

If your son is invited to sleep in a cousin’s or neighbor’s sukkah, ask the same questions you would about any sleepover: Who else will be there? How old are they? Which adult will be sleeping there? If those details aren’t clear, you can say no this year.

Their body belongs to them

A child does not have to hug, kiss, be tickled, or physically engage simply because an adult means well. Experts of prevention guidance emphasize clear family boundaries and respect for children’s privacy and bodily autonomy – even with family, even with people we love.

And yes, that includes Bubby, Zaidy, an uncle, aunt, or cousin.

We do not want our children getting the message that they must be polite no matter what. We want them to know that their body belongs to them, that they are allowed to say no when something does not feel right. They can come to us and we will listen, take them seriously, and have their back.

We know this can bring up uncomfortable conversations, especially with relatives who may be well-meaning and still expect hugs or physical affection. We can try to explain that we are raising our children to know it is okay to say no – and still, some of you may get pushback.

As parents, this is part of our achrayus. Keeping our children safe sometimes looks like setting a boundary or having an uncomfortable conversation ourselves. When we do this, our children learn something deeply important: that it is okay to speak up for themselves, even when it is hard.

Give them a way out

Not every child can explain what is happening in the moment. They still need an exit.

• A code word
• A sleeve tug
• A quiet line like Rabbi Landa’s favorite, “I’m having one of those stomachaches”
• For when you’re not there: “My mother said I have to come home.”

Tell them they can always use us as the excuse. They can leave any house, any sukkah, any sleepover, and blame it on us. We won’t ask for an explanation at the door.

When Yom Tov is hard

Yom Tov can be hard for some people, even when everyone around them is enjoying it. Rabbi Gluck reminds us not to push someone into a gathering they’re not up for, and to make it easy to step out without having to explain why.

If your child tells you something

Stay calm and listen. Tell your child you’re glad they came to you and that they did the right thing by telling you. Let them speak in their own words without pressing for details, and don’t confront the person yourself.

If a child tells you they’ve been abused, the authorities should be involved immediately. You don’t have to figure out the next steps alone. Call Amudim at (646) 517-0222, and a case manager will walk you through them.

Every wall counts

When the same expectations apply to everyone in the house, no one feels singled out. Our children see us paying attention and know what they can expect from the adults around them.

We sit in the sukkah trusting Hashem’s protection. We still build the walls.