“We gotta do this,” insisted Mendy. “We have no choice in the matter. If we will be punished for it, alai v’al tzavari – I take full responsibility for that.”

HaRav Elya Brudy Shlit’a was the next speaker at the conference. A person who truly understands the pain that survivors of abuse go through, he continues to prove how much he cares to this very day.

With tremendous sensitivity, he corrected Mendy, telling him that it was true that the Torah left us hanging in Parshas Vayishlach as to whether they had done the right thing with regards to Dina, but that a few weeks later, in Parsha Vayechi, they were punished, both for what they did to their brother Yosef, as well as what they did in Shechem.

The change, explained the Rav, was that when Shimon and Levi hurt their brother Yosef, they showed that they were picking and choosing what abuse and actions they would avenge, which made their actions in Shechem punishable. Rav Brudny ended by saying that this is where he was correcting Mendy’s statement, and that yes, we must do all we can, and more, to help victims of abuse, but that this should be done with sensitivity and guidance, with Daas Torah. He further stated that the mission is to educate the rabbonim, and leadership, changing the status quo, instead of just going against them, by taking “matters into their own hands” as Mendy had suggested.

Mendy did something very brave and courageous, going to Rav Elya Shlit’a, in front of a room of over 350 people, and publicly apologizing, stating that he understood it better now that the Rav said what he said, and asked the Rav to be the guiding Daas Torah of Amudim. Mendy displayed true courage and leadership qualities in that moment which brings me to main point I am attempting to convey.

With Mendy’s passion in mind, and having been very moved after the Hareini blog posted letters written from many prominent people on behalf a convicted pedophile, I penned an op-ed discussing our communal obligation to help victims of sexual abuse, and not to have misplaced sympathy for abusers. The purpose of my piece, which can be read by clicking the link at the end of this email, was not about the specific case that came to light, but far more importantly, to keep in mind the pain and suffering that victims of abuse endure. It was an opportunity to educate our leadership and the public about the serious harm which befalls survivors of abuse and while the response to the article was overwhelmingly very positive, it also made clear the sad truth – that much work lies ahead of us.

Of course there were some who contacted me, trying to defend the letters, and used lines such as “It wasn’t abuse per se, but he was entrapped because he was not looking for young boys, but rather for a homosexual encounter etc.” These responses truly got my blood boiling.

The letters we are discussing, were written by prominent rabanim and communal leaders who sang the praises of a sexual predator who lured and repeatedly molested boys, fully knowing that they were as young as 13, in the hopes that a judge would be lenient in his sentencing. As I explained in the op-ed, those letters were extremely triggering and traumatic to those who had been violated. And again, HE KNEW how old those boys were.

While those who authored those letters could have and should have researched the facts of the matter, which are all a matter of public record, the actual specifics of that case are irrelevant when it comes to the big picture. What does matter is that we have an obligation to protect those who have been abused, because their suffering isn’t a one and done – they relive the trauma every time people rally to support sexual predators, and we need to be sensitive to their pain. We need to do everything we can to help those who have been sexually abused, which includes making sure that our rabbis and our leaders know that writing letters in support of a predator sends the very clear message that we value the abuser more than the victim, while causing sexual abuse victims to lose faith in our community, our rabbis, our leaders and even our religion.

I did take the liberty to have a very meaningful and productive discussion with Rav Moshe Weinberger shlit’a, one of the prominent rabanim who wrote a letter. He was very heartbroken that his actions caused people pain, and did something that shows a true sign of strength, sending me a video apologizing, and making it clear that he will continue to support victims, as he has been doing for many years. We published his video and statement, with his full blessings, in the hopes that this would be a shining example to the dozens upon dozens of others, in the hopes that they too will do the right thing.

None of us are perfect, not even our leaders.

True strength isn’t about never making mistakes, but in owning them openly and sincerely. When a person, especially someone of prominence, has the courage to apologize, they set an example that humility and accountability are greater measures of leadership than perfection.

In closing, I still shake to the core when I watch the video posted blow, of a speech Mendy z’l gave at the Torah Umesorah Presidents Conference years ago, where he tearfully explained that sexually abusing a child is like murdering them “over and over again.”

Mendy was by far the most passionate and caring person, who truly felt the pain of others, and those character traits continues to guide and inspire me, giving me the strength to keep doing what I do.

I know that this week’s email is much longer than usual, and may be less polished as well, but it comes straight from my heart. I hope that my points are clearly conveyed, and that we all understand our collective obligation to do more in ensuring that those who suffer, specifically victims of sexual abuse, receive the support and help they deserve, and that this is a lesson for all.

Wishing you all a Good Shabbos,

Zvi