There is value in validation
This week we’ve been practicing naming emotions with our kids and helping them find words for what’s happening inside.
Today we’re going to talk about the moment after they share their feelings.
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Imagine this:
You’ve been cooking and preparing the house for your in-laws to come visit for Shabbos. Friday afternoon, they have to cancel. Your friend says “At least you have a clean house and leftovers for next week.”
It’s true, but it skips over the part where we feel seen for the work we put in and the expectations we had for the weekend. Our friend wasn’t wrong, and we probably would have benefited more from them saying “That’s really frustrating after all that work.” Chances are, during that conversation we would have brought up, “On the bright side, at least the house is clean and I have leftovers for next week.”
That moment of being seen and understood is validation. And our kids need that too.
When we validate our children’s feelings, we’re saying “Your feelings are welcome here and you matter so much. I’m going to stay with you in this.”
This doesn’t mean we change our plans or our house rules. It just means we can hold those feelings with them before we move to solutions.
Now imagine this:
Our daughter walks in and slams the door. The camp she was excited about is suddenly “the worst” because her friends are going somewhere else. Everything in us wants to remind her she picked this camp, or to list all the reasons it’s great.
Instead, we try: “That’s really hard when everyone’s going together and you’re not part of it.”
We’re not changing the summer plans or agreeing that her camp is the worst. We’re just letting her know that what she’s feeling makes sense.
The Gemara in Brachos (6b) teaches that one of the greatest rewards of attending a house of mourning is the silence. Just being present. Sometimes the most validating thing we can do for our children is exactly that, simply sitting with them and letting them know we’re not going anywhere.
Try this at home:
The next time our child comes to us upset, let’s pause before responding. and reflect back on what we’re hearing.
That could be as simple as “It sounds like that really bothered you.” or “I totally get why that would upset you.”
There is no pressure to get it right every time, the fact that you’re here, thinking about how your words land with your kids, already says something about the kind of parent you are. This isn’t about doing it perfectly. It’s about making adjustments to our reactions and words in ways that really impact how they move through conflict.
This week was about naming emotions. In the weeks ahead, we’ll be moving through regulation, accountability, repair, resilience and self-worth.
One step at a time. And we’ll be here for all of it.