I Caught My Kid...
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About This Conversation
Every parent has had the moment. You walk in, or you find something, and suddenly you know your child has been hiding a whole part of their life from you. A phone you never approved. A vape. Something on a screen. The shock, the anger, the questions about what else you don’t know.
In this conversation, Rabbi Avi Landa and Shaya Sussman walk through what actually happens in that moment, for the parent and for the child, and what to do in the minutes, days, and weeks that follow. The title is left open on purpose. Whatever you caught your kid doing, the response that protects your relationship, and your child, is mostly the same.
This is part of Amudim’s ongoing series bringing prevention and education home to parents. It is for parents who care deeply, are not sure what the right move is, and want guidance rooted in both Torah values and clinical experience.
The Speakers
Rabbi Avi Landa, LCPC
Director of Education at Amudim, Director of the Landa Counseling Center, and Mashgiach at the Talmudical Academy of Baltimore Middle School. Rabbi Landa received semicha from Ner Yisroel, holds a Master’s in Counseling from Johns Hopkins University, and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in private practice. He is the author of The Kedusha Talk and presents widely on parenting, prevention, and adolescent mental health.
Rabbi Shaya Sussman, LCSW, MA, CASAC-T
A trauma-informed psychotherapist in private practice in Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel, working with children, adolescents, young adults, and addiction. Rabbi Sussman is an adjunct professor at Wurzweiler School of Social Work and Sara Schenirer, holds a Master’s in Educational Leadership, and received semicha from Rav Zalman Nechemia Goldberg zt”l. He is the author of Nach Daily: Navi Made Easy (Mosaica Press) and writes and lectures on resilience, mental health, and Nach.
What They Cover
- The initial shock, and why your first reaction matters more than you think
- Why kids hide things: shame, secrecy, and the pain of living a double life
- What the moment of getting caught looks like from the child’s side
- How to respond in the first few minutes without making it worse
- Trust: when to pull it back, when to extend it, and how to rebuild it
- Sheltering versus exposure, and finding the balance for your child
- Rigid rules, extreme permissiveness, and the message each one sends
- Why parents overreact, and how to tell if you’re reacting to your child or to yourself
- Seeing the whole child, not just the one thing you found
- When what you find is more serious: self-harm and safety
Key Takeaways
Strike when the iron is cold. You do not have to react in the moment. “I didn’t know this was happening. I need some time, and we’ll talk about it later.” That is a complete response.
Your child is struggling too. Kids who hide things are usually ashamed, not defiant. Many feel relief when it finally comes out. Meet that, not just the behavior.
Bring it into the open. Ignoring it lets the double life continue, and the double life is where much of the damage happens.
Go from setback to feedback. A mistake is information about what your child needs, not proof of who they are.
Trust is a seesaw. It can go down in one area and stay high in others. If you tighten up on devices, go out of your way to show trust somewhere else.
Say yes whenever you can. Structure and boundaries matter, but a home where the answer is always no teaches a child not to trust themselves.
Respond, don’t react. If you notice you are angry, scared, or embarrassed, that awareness alone can move you from reactivity to a real response.
Transformation, not amputation. Getting caught can be the start of a stronger relationship, if the parent lets it be.
Look at the whole picture. The phone is rarely the real issue. Ask what else is going on: school, friends, family, mood.
Finish the Sentence
Rabbi Avi Landa and Shaya Sussman are recording a follow-up, and they want to answer the questions you actually have, not the ones we guessed. Nothing is too small, too awkward, or too specific. You can stay completely anonymous, and they read every single one.
Get Help
Amudim
amudim.org
Case management and free, confidential support for individuals and families. If you are not sure where to start, start here.
Darcheinu / Our Path SEL
darcheinu.org / ourpathsel.org
Social emotional learning curriculum for Jewish schools.
Rabbi Avi Landa
landacc.com
Free resources on parenting and educating teenagers.
Fight the New Drug
fightthenewdrug.org
Science-based, non-religious information on the effects of pornography, referenced in the video.
If there is an immediate safety concern, call 911 or Hatzalah right away.